I’ve been sent the message that in my dotage I talk too much and apparently talk too much about nothing much of interest. Just another discovery about life at 80….
I THINK MY social skills are eroding. I’ve noticed on more than one occasion, sitting with folks, that as I begin to talk people look away, start other conversations and so my thoughts trail off and I end up in silence.
Recently I said something to someone and they said “sorry, didn’t hear a word you said” and later commented about how much I talk.
I think it’s a combination of age and living with someone with dementia for more than three years. It also could be that I have lived past the point of having anything useful to share or add to a conversation.
I think there is something to being a caregiver that erodes social skills. For three years I was with Connie at home and later in a care facility. Over time her ability to speak went away and so we just sat in each other’s presence. I developed a habit of saying “no” to invitations to go out because I never knew when I’d need to be with Connie.
I think, over time, I became isolated to the point that when I did find myself with other people I overcompensated for conversations gone unspoken. I became one of those people you don’t want to sit next to on a plane. I have become the insurance commercial about becoming your Dad, or even older than Dad.
I am not sure what to do about it. I could just shut up. Sit and listen. But I also wonder if I have reached a point in life where following Thoreau to the edge of a pond and into a cabinet might not be a good option.
Age is a funny thing. What you used to talk about when you were younger – kids, work and the like – aren’t a part of your life anymore. That leads to things coming out of your mouth that to others must sound like nonsense. Polite folks look at you as if they are listening; others just go back to their conversations and let you ramble on until you realize no one is listening.
The other option, of course, is to immerse yourself in the presence of others but maybe be a better listener and not just talk, particularly when others have hinted, or said, that you have ceased to be interesting.
Dunno what my approach will be. You would think that by age 80 I’d have figured out all the changes that come with age and adapted but I am finding each day something else that has changed. But, I promise, I won’t talk about it.
Rich Heiland is a retired journalist and semi-retired consultant, trainer and public speaker. During his journalism career he was a reporter, editor, publisher, college instructor, part of a Pulitzer Prize-winning team and a National Newspaper Association Columnist of the Year honoree. He lives in West Chester, PA and can be reached at [email protected].