I haven’t quit writing. I’ve just been unable to do it, for a lot of whiney reasons. So, time to buck up and get back in the saddle, even if I don’t have a horse…

“On Nov. 6 my life will either continue as it has and we will all run through spring-time meadows, frilly clothing blowing in the wind, birds singing in our ears like in all the instant-cure drug commercials. Or we will sit alone in the Cabaret or in the mists of Tolkien’s world, looking at the dark mountain where the fire burns and the smoke comes down and not knowing what comes next.”

            I wrote that on Oct. 30 and have not written a word since, not even on my intodementia.com blog. Nov. 5 did not go well, and my soul has not bounced back. With Connie declining in a memory care unit and a knee replacement Nov. 21 life has not been conducive to much other than drifting and self-pity.

            The result has been a massive writer’s block. Maybe more than. Maybe a total lack of passion, a feeling that anything I have to say really isn’t worth saying. 

            Truth is all God’s chilluns got loads to tote and I know some of you reading this are toting larger loads than me. So, self-pity and whining are not a long-term answers.

            So, here I am, bad leg scrunched under the desk, pecking away, trying to find words that don’t seem to be there. I guess I don’t have much to say beyond what I just said but I know I have to snap out of this, start to focus on the good things, which really do exist. They especially exist if we choose to be selfish and say “screw it” to all that stuff we can’t control.

            Our son lives 10 minutes away and has been a godsend as my wife and I deal with dementia, and now I deal with surgery rehab. Our daughter is here, helping me but also spending time with her mother, not knowing if Mom will still know her on the next visit. The grandkids are all good and I live in a good place.

            I have friends who send me uplifting messages about how to respond to Nov. 5 and I read them and then mostly forget about them. Maybe someday I will give a damn about all that again but not today. For now, I am focusing on Connie and what time we have left. I am focusing on rehabbing a knee and getting used to this new piece of metal in me. I have switched from cable news to sports talk shows. I am doing a lot of crosswords.

            We all tote our loads in different ways and how we tote them should be free from the judgment of others if it works for us. Life goes on. Things change. What was may be again and what is may fade into the past. Someday a spark may enter my head and I will chart a course. In the meantime, meh. Live, enjoy those around me. 

            Part of that is going to be forcing myself to write – never had to force it before. It was always my outlet, my release, my pleasure and if I just push through, it may be again. Read it or not. Your call. Fact is that those who write, or create in any fashion, do their therapy in public whether the public wants it or not.

            Onward…..through the smoke, the writer’s block…seeking a ray of light.

                  Rich Heiland is a retired journalist and semi-retired consultant, trainer and public speaker. During his journalism career he was a reporter, editor, publisher, college instructor, part of a Pulitzer Prize-winning team and a National Newspaper Association Columnist of the Year honoree. He also writes the intodementia.com blog about his family’s experience with dementia. He lives in West Chester, PA and can be reached at [email protected].